Today is Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Sense of Time

I know that my sense of time hasn't yet returned. I only know today is Wednesday because I was at a rehearsal last night. The Doctors Symphony only rehearses on Tuesdays. So today must then be Wednesday.

The computer tells me the date and time (). I learned long ago that without that, even the weekly cycle of a normal work environment can't really keep me completely aware of time outside.

It used to bother me that I didn't have seemingly the same sense of time as everyone else.

What Have You Tried

Last night at rehearsal, I spoke with a member of our ensemble who works at the UCLA Neuropsychiatric Institute. She asked some questions that sometimes were mundane but necessary, and often actually cogent and interesting. None of them were too surprisisg since I've often asked mysef the same questions.

But when she asked if we had tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and I mentioned that we had tried it for five years with limited changes, she immediately asked what my IQ is. I had made this connection years ago, and tried explaining it to my psychologist, but I don't know that it made much difference until I started medication. But to speak with someone who understood that one of the strong implications of a lack of response to CBT is higher IQ. We can see through the game.

However, I also realized slowly since last night that I've recently used some of the techniques of CBT, in combination with some research into belief, in order to develop techniques of convincing myself to actually work long hours to get tasks done by a deadline.

The research I did several times with myself as the subject was that I'm quite capable of Belief. I'm actually so capable of it I can make myself accept any statement as ground truth, and then from there derive an entire worldview, which is the foundation of a World View. It's pretty amazing stuff.

What do You Want

And then inevitably she asked my this question. And inevitably, I didn't have any answer. I want to learn, to explore, to find out what can be done with the human mind, with several human minds working in concert, not even necessarily at the same time or in the same place.

I want to push the limits of consciousness, create beauty, show people that there are other ways of thinking, and finding and creating these ways should be a fundamental skill.

And I want to find some balance in my own mind. Being back on meds now for a few weeks has helped so much. I'm not shutting out the world anymore. Well, not at 10:22 am. By 5 pm or so, I'll be feeling the effects of the day, and will likely be tired, ready to call it a week again.

But I'm recovering, even if slowly.