Psychosis

I actually don't have much memory of anything from just before Christmas to last night. Which is kind of funny, considering that I can see so many traces of my presence, in billing records, chat transcripts, code logs... And they all are clearly me. But the actual experiential memories are lost to me.

I've woken up knowing that time has passed, many events reminiscent of an earlier life I once lived, bitter, angry, fighting the world transpired, and that they all seemed rational at the time. But for at least a month until sometime today, I really have very few actual memories.

This is psychosis. The mind numbs itself, often deep depression occurs, things are said, letters written, and time vanishes like tears in the rain. I've been through this before, of course. I'll no doubt be through it again.

This particular episode was likely caused by some incredibly stressful events that happened just as I had run out of one of the more powerful medications I'm on, escitalopram, an SSRI. I also had been on and off the other three psychiatric medications as I would run out and not be able to predict where I would be or when I could refill them, or I wouldn't find a way to get to the doctor in Irvine.

It's a strange feeling to wake up, look around, and see that you're living somewhere familiar, yet completely new, not immediately remember what you still have, why you're bank accounts are dry, and your mind blank.

But it's part of life on this side of the looking glass. I suspect that the days of me living alone have come to an end. I know my friend who is letting me stay with her has been watching out for me, and for that I'm incredibly grateful. I also see that I've attracted quite a following on Facebook and other places of friends who have been carefully watching me for signs of real danger, and also for that I'm grateful.

I don't know yet if I'm out of danger this time. I know that I still am in a bit of a depression. But at the same time, I can see the progress over the past week or so in what I've written, what I've managed to get done, what I've said.

But still, I've never seen myself more clearly than now. And I really am now at the point where I need a caretaker. So I'll take a look at what I have, see what needs to be done, and do what I always do.

Solve the puzzle.